School in this district starts in two days. I received a call yesterday about interviewing for an 8th grade Language Arts position today. I spent all night and early morning reading, preparing, practicing, re-reading, mock interviewing, and everything in between. I had a sleepless night, but I felt like the best candidate for the job. I even printed out previous newsletters, lesson plans, and my portfolio to share along with my resume and reference letters. And overall... I feel like I did fairly well at my interview. I maintained eye contact with the entire team that was interviewing me, I looked and talked the part, I had excellent answers for every question and I was even put on the spot a few times. When I left the interview I, of course, critiqued everything I did. Maybe I talked too fast. Maybe I rambled too much. Maybe I forgot to share an important scenario or key word. For the most part though, I felt so sure of myself.
I was told a few hours later that a "better qualified candidate was chosen".
I immediately broke into tears. Now a background story about me would let you know I do not love junior high teaching, per say. I was not thrilled to be interviewing for this job compared to a third or fourth grade position. But I sure as heck made sure they didn't know that. I made it seem like I was in love with junior highers and it was my dying wish to be their teacher (maybe not that desperate sounding). So, it was not the fact that I didn't get this job... I broke into tears because I had failed.
I spent this whole last year subbing, just aching to have my own classroom. Each and every day that I subbed was a painful process. I hated being in a classroom that wasn't mine. I hated teaching lessons that I hadn't put together. I hated not knowing the student's names or learning styles. Ugh! I hated subbing. And now... I will be subbing... again. I am filled with dread knowing I have to go back into these classrooms as a stranger. A new situation every day. A new group of kids every day. I am just dreading it.
Subbing is the way in in this district. I know this is the avenue I have to take. But to be so close to getting a job (I found out later I was 1 of 3 candidates that had received an interview), and not get it is just devastating. I haven't stopped crying since 4:00 this afternoon and it's nearing 10:00.
So what have I learned from all this?
Nothing, yet. I know someday I'm going to look back on this and say "I didn't receive that job because of ____" or "God knew what He was doing and I just couldn't see His plan".
Yeah... I'm not there yet. I could say it's a blessing because in all honesty I don't really like junior highers. Or I could say maybe I'll get a long term subbing position this year that will turn into a dream job. Or I could say now I have more opportunities to meet people and learn more about this district. But... right now I am just plain sad.
I feel like a failure, I feel like I've let down myself, I feel like I'm wasting my life. And that last one is the biggest one.
I feel like I am wasting my life.
I'm only a meer 24 years old. It's not like I've lived that long. But I just think about everything in my life I want to accomplish. Teaching is one of the biggest things I want to do, along with having children. My husband and I both agree that we want me to be a stay at home mom. Which leaves me with very few years to be a teacher... which is a huge desire of mine. I spent this whole last year subbing and I hated it... I don't want to do it again.
So that's my dilemma. I'm going to try to have joy. I'm going to try to remember that God has a bigger plan. This is not the end. I can't plan out my whole life... who knows what will happen!
And that's where I'm left. Sad I don't have a job, hopeful for the future? Maybe not honestly, but I'm trying.
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